Never yours
by Nour92
Summary: Really dark. Bella lost all hope. AH/AU. Previously a oneshot but being extended. rated M for suicidal thoughts and eating disorders.
1. sight

I sat in my Maths class, sighing while doodling inattentively in my notebook; hoping that God might send a bomb to blow the place apart. Out of all my record of bad days till now, I was having one of the top ten.

My acne had flared viciously, making my already subzero self-esteem sink lower and lower.

My new friend seemed a nice enough girl, that was true. A bit proactive and overenthusiastic for my taste, but still quite kind. A new revelation: life could sometimes give you a good thing in return to the bunch of crap you have.

Regardless, college life was hell. I was itching to just put my iPod in and listen to another heartbreaking song to fill the vacant space in my life. With no social life existing to brag about and the lack of enthusiasm of such a life, I deemed myself as a laid back, worthless and emotionally disturbed teen. I forgot to mention also that while every girl known to exist on the face of earth, or most of them anyway, wanted to flirt and have as much admirers as possible in addition to their current boyfriend, I was not. As pathetic as that might sound, my being craved love. I wanted to love someone like the couple in that famous story, not a casual fling that turned into passion. My train of thought was sinking back into my gloom. Sighing, I thought rationally that if I saw someone good-looking enough, I might fall.

A bit egotistical, you might call me; but really I am still a girl. Every girl has her expectations; and as much as mine were not that high-I am not a beauty queen after all-I still wanted someone handsome.

Karma didn't disappoint.

Halfway through the class, the door opened and one of the most attractive guys I ever laid eyes on entered. An incarnation of my dream charmer. Eyes that were sharp and light, hair messy and bronze, tall and slightly lanky, topping my favourite six feet. His features, posture and walk screamed cocky; a trait that I had a spot that you might just call more than soft. Note to self: add masochistic to my list of qualities.

He was headed towards the only empty chair in the class.

Beside me.

Okay.

Whether it was because of his unambiguous beauty or because I had a self-destructive nature, but I wanted to stare at him.

Right on cue, his pencil dropped to the floor and with unimaginable grace, he leaned down, giving me a perfect view of his tousled hair, grabbed it and jerked upwards. In the process, his hand slammed onto my thigh. He apparently was overly arrogant; he didn't bother with even glancing my way.

_Hey! He didn't even look at you girl_. A voice in my head screeched at me.

Great. I was having a MPD.

* * *

I wanted to see him. Now.

My eyes kept on making trips from my book to the door to and fro with increasing frequency, my anxiety growing exponentially over time. Trying to revert myself from this, I reasoned with myself:

Why?

He doesn't know you.

It's been weeks.

You're desperate for love that you can't stop clinging to a passerby?

He didn't come by the time the class started, and on the entrance of the teacher I slumped back in my seat, dejected.

_Pathetic_. The voice told me again. This time I more than agreed with it.

Halfway again through class, he entered with a sure air, his striking stature moving with agility that I more than lacked, apologising to the teacher for his tardiness while his friend was trailing behind him.

_Breathe_.

He sat to the left, a position my neck was currently cranked towards and my eyes were raking his pale profile, tracing the prominent cheekbones, the pointed chin and moving over his glorious, shining hair. I wondered why the reasons behind the frown albeit it gave his face such a dangerous edge. I was such a sap.

My eyes met his friend's.

Ouch. Instant neck crack, I am sure. My face flushing with my mortification, I gazed unseeingly forward while trying to reassemble my jumbled thoughts.

The teacher was taking attendance and that's when I first knew his name.

* * *

Luckily my friend was here to distract me from my self-inflicted torture. My mind was occupied while I chatted mindlessly to her due to an incidence yester night. I was happy when I noticed a guy in the street that I thought looked good. May be that means that I am free from a stupid someone. Someone who doesn't seem to know I exist in the first place.

Wrong.

My eyes flashed to his name on the attendance sheet, trying to memorise it.

_Stop it_.

_He is here. He just saw you looking at him and you avoided his gaze when he looked._

_No need to be more hooked up._

I have no name for this but I'm sure as hell it's not a crush.

_Yeah right._

* * *

I was just entering the library ground floor, laden with books and full with a box of mcflurry Oreo to dig into while I droned over my English assignment. Apparently in one of my former lives, I did something really hideous because at that moment, _he_ sat- all in his pale glory- reading a book.

I made a U-turn and strode out of the floor to the stairs to, in vain, find a spot where my thoughts kept from harassing me with him, or his presence.

* * *

Why doesn't he come anymore? It has been over a week since he attended a class or showed up in college at all. Moreover, his friend just looked at me in a weird way, somehow accusatory.

I wonder what's wrong…I can't imagine him being sick, my insides were gripped in despair at the thought of his discomfort. May be he is travelling, dropped out…

_Don't overreact honey, it's nothing. He isn't even a crush, is he?_

For this, I had no answer.

* * *

Today I was desperate to see him. Our exam is today, he can't skip that. Or can he?

In an attempt to rule out some of the possibilities, I checked his assignment sheet and it was there. At least he didn't drop out.

I checked his name on the University Chat. I thought about him 25 times last night, I thought of him while listening to "yours to hold" and I have to say, the lyrics fit perfectly. Skillet is a genius.

_I'm stretching but you're just out of reach _

_You should know I'm ready when you're ready for me _

_And I'm waiting for the right time_

_For the day I catch your eye _

_To let you know _

_That I'm yours to hold_

Great

I am too far gone. I thought that it was just a crush.

_So it is a crush now?_

Yeah, I think so.

By this point I was in our exam hall, praying for him to appear instead of my usual last-minute revisions. I really needed to sort out my priorities! At least I did study instead of drooling mentally over his perfect, glorious, naughty smile or his slim and fit body, or his strong, muscular hand that I ogled at when he sat next to me in our first class, the day that changed my life. Whether to the better or the worse, I was still undecided. I spotted my friend entering smiling her easy smile. Behind her was _his _friend, standing at the door.

_He_ was standing behind it.

I shook, trembled and tried to reassemble my thoughts.

My friend sat next to me, leaving some chairs just like the teacher ordered. I think she tried to chat but I was beyond notice. My feelings that I repressed all night- by sleeping 10-minutes intervals and by studying till my head burst-inundated me.

He walked past me- with me staring at him- till he reached my row and sat down with the traditional space of some chairs between us, the other side of the one my friend was occupying.

_Coincidence_

_Don't encourage yourself_

My friend asked me to ask him to move a few chairs down the row; but I blatantly refused, I can't talk to him, I'll make a fool out of myself. I _have_ been gaping like a fish at him openly.

He responded to her in a rude way. I, in all my cruel selfishness, forgot to be offended by the sharp insult of my friend and found myself marveling over the musical tones of his voice.

_Self-centered bitch_

I know I am but thank God I didn't talk; I am not sadistic so that I could relish in her injury but I am not masochistic too to crave my own, and my agony could have been much more than hers.

By that point I admitted to myself that I like him, to a tiny extent.

_So wrong_.

I moved to the front rows; cursing the teacher- who told me to do so a second ago- in the process and stumbling on a couple of stairs. I am so much of a dumb ass, I admit, no wonder he doesn't notice me…

_Just shut the fuck up and concentrate on your exam, and we will grieve later okay?_

I tried to look for him but I couldn't find any sign of his presence.

* * *

God _please_ just one glimpse.

I had another exam to attend in five minutes and my silent prayers echoed around my head, hoping and supplicating to see him just this once. My rational side knew it was wrong, that I might get hurt; after all, I never talked to him before. However, there was no control over my emotions. I still hoped.

There was no avail.

I sat scribbling furiously, trying to finish in the exam's time quota so that I could resume my incessant, yet ridiculous, searching when a gray colour flashed in my peripheral vision.

His t-shirt

With a smile and a silent thanks to God, I scribbled the last note and sprinted out of the class in the direction he walked in.

I peeked through the door of the class in the end of the hallway, trying to find him. I saw a head of bronze hair

He was there. I sighed, knowing that even if I stood there for the next few eons, he would never notice me. I couldn't just help myself, look at those eyes, their mysterious light colour, and the hair….I could just wait here forever, going on and on about the incarnation of Adonis sitting in the class.

_Sick puppy_

I know, stalker-like behaviour, but I can't help it.

My phone beeped and I answered my friend. A quick chit-chat resulted in her walking down the same hallway in which his class is in, again. A stroke of rarely-found curiosity compels me to discover what is in the end, I told her. We trudged slowly down the hall, my breaths picking up as I walked…I was getting another glimpse.

* * *

I sat with my friends at the bench opposite to the stairs where I was sure he was going to leave from….it was the only exit to the building after all. A surge of gratitude passed through me for the girl who handed me a map for the university a few days ago. It surely came in handy.

Suddenly, he bolted down the stairs and out of my sight, all the while talking to someone on his cell phone.

Frustrated, I told my friends to wait for a second and I followed his path, a few feet behind him when I saw her.

I saw a girl, not just any girl, a blonde, tall, absolutely breathtaking girl who could kick my ass any day in the looks department. She walked next to him, sashaying through the crowds of people leaving the university. I felt that I took the slap I so deserved, seeing him grin at her, true happiness shining through his eyes.

Another chorus jumped into my head

_Every single day_

_I find it hard to say_

_I could be yours alone _

_You will see someday _

_That all along the way _

_I was yours to hold _

_I was yours to hold_

But I was not his, not now, not ever

He was not mine.

I ran back to my friends and snatched my bag with "I am leaving. Tired" and practically sprinted after them to the parking lot. They were nowhere in sight. My tears leaked through my closely shut eyes and down my cheeks, my fists were clenched at my sides and I was shaking with repressed sobs.

I opened my eyes just in time to see his car pass by, a black sedan, with the blonde sitting next to him, in the passenger seat.

I kept singing in a low voice my own version of the song that till today causes me so much agony.

_Every single day_

_I find it hard to say_

_I could be yours alone _

_I will see someday _

_That all along the way _

_I was never yours to hold._

Then, standing alone in the dark parking lot, the sun setting behind my back, I lost all hope.

And tonight, I dreamt of him.


	2. falling

The pain.

It hurts, cripples, and hinders your progression in life. My pain was excessive.

My winter break ended leaving behind a gap in my life. I was not the same person, for the change of me was palpable. The monotone that I had become did not give a fuck anymore about things that only a month ago were my sole incentive to exist: loving my family, getting a high GPA, having fun with my friends, caring for myself….I was officially diagnosed with depression, along with other, undiagnosed demons.

My winter break ended, leaving behind me a gap in my life. Starting through the next semester was painful to say the least. My preference for all the things black and my constant silence did not go well with my parents, or friends for that matter. I was continuously staring into space, inattentively doodling on a page of my notebook or doing something equally worthless. My family's interventions were of no use, for when a heart is broken without a viable cause-especially a heart that knows that it hurt itself-, it becomes extremely problematic to fix it.

"Miss Swan," the professor said, snapping me out of my reverie "may you repeat what I just said?"

I stared at him blankly untill he sighed dejectedly and followed on with the lecture. It was not a singular occurrence, he got used to it. My so-called classmates glowered at me. What the fuck? I stared defiantly till they, bound by discomfiture or intimidation, looked away. At least there is one advantage to being stereotyped as gothic and a crack addict: you could act like one. My stomach grumbled, alerting me to the absence of food for the past thirty something hours. Fuck, I wanted a reprieve, seeking solace in my sure-to-make-me-agonised memories seemed appropriate. After all, I was masochistic.

_The pain is still too raw, too fresh. The tear down through my heart was still bleeding. He just left the classroom, after manuvering around my chair twice, if I might say. It was only one of two: either he sensed my attraction and decided to heighten my pain, or I was hyper-aware of his steps and was leaning towards justifying his actions and linking them to me. I voted for the second; in any case, it might be. According to Wikipedia, the definition of limerence and the connotations behind it did validate my incessant intrusive thoughts about him. Figures. _

_"Bella", my friend, Alice, called._

_"What Alice?"_

_"Come on, let's get some ice cream. You look so devastated, you might need some comfort food," she joked, but suddenly backtracked once she saw my expression. "Are you really okay? You look kind of pale as of late." _

_"I am fine Alice. You should go; your class is across campus. Come on, I'll drop you off." The word vomit spewed out, cutting out her opportunity to disagree. She must have seen my determination because she huffed a fine and made a move to retrieve her bag. _

_Such a sweet girl, caring for me like that. Unluckily, I can't eat ice cream even if I wanted to. It is forbidden food, one amongst a huge list of others._

_Last week was the day _he_ left with her. It was a hell of a day. It was the first time in so long that I was able to feel something so intense, a hurt so biting. I needed to control the claws that were tearing through my defences, the excruciating pain that clung to my chest. Again another sign of limerence._

And I did find jurisdiction..even if it was in the unlikeliest of places. The demons captured me, and I had no place to escape. When your worst fiend is your head, you have no run off.

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	3. surprise

It is a truth universally acknowledged that people who love food so much must either be chefs, or get eating disorders.

_Nice Swan, Austen doesn't hold a candle to your intelligence_.

Not that I am complaining, I would rather face a thousand different disorders-apart from my bipolar, depression and anorexia nervosa you see- than see the revulsion of me on his face.

My muscles tensed up, hearing the footsteps of the last girls that have been gracing me with their presence in this disgusting bathroom leave. They sure as hell didn't give me a chance to finish what I have so irresponsibly started. I took a deep breath, sensing my erratic heartbeat and lurching stomach as the expansion of my distended stomach upped the girth of my torso.

_Here goes nothing_.

With my hands trembling as if a fucking earthquake was dismembering the fucking university, I thrust my index and middle finger down my throat, down the bile that has been closing up on me, and stroked.

The waves of my still undigested meal spiralled upwards in my oesophageous, in reverse peristalsis down the toilet that I have been clinging to like a fucking life grenade. The reminder of what people may have done in this toilet sent another, none-induced, wave of nausea down to my now empty stomach. My dry heaves died, leaving me with a sense of guilt and repulsion to reside in said stomach.

_Thank fuck for that. At least the bagel didn't stick did it?_

Now as many anorexics know, binging and purging is a frequent cycle. The body goes ballistic, forces you to inhale fuck-knows-how-many calories, in this case 300, down your throat in record time. Your mind, eternally paralysed by a nagging sound that chastises the fucking shit out of you, rebels and forces you to get rid of the food, claiming that you don't deserve it. This is how we operate.

Picking myself up from the floor, I made my way outside of the cubicle into the empty bathroom to the sink. I rinsed my mouth and face from the vile remnants of my treason and popped a mint into my mouth. I fluffed my dull hair, thanking god that once I stated restricting my calories, my face had cleared up from the spots, leaving its natural pallor to break through. Right outside this bathroom, he..he..Edward sat with his posse, smoking as always, looking as gorgeous as ever with the queen whore numero uno, golden haired Tanya Denali hanging onto him. Bitch. I knew I had no reason to even bother primping myself; he didn't, doesn't and won't ever bother.

_How about a smoke baby? And a good workout in the gym to erase all those calories that might have stuck?_

Yes please…adrenaline and nicotine. The latter also induces the former to me, with the knowledge that my parents whole heartedly disapprove of it sending my fucking shitty haywire hormones into action. I looked into the mirror, adjusting my gray Rolling Stones t-shirt that now sagged on my non-existent breasts that were encased into a size AA bra. Smaller than my 12 year old cousin, let me tell you. My black True Religion jeans were smaller too, like size 6 or so, mostly framed by my wide bones.

_Impressive Swan. Gone down two full sizes in three months. You're on a roll. _

Splashing a last spray of perfume to camouflage the revolting smell, I made my way across campus to the gym.

Passing in front of him made my always dizzy, like all the blood in my frail body had drained to my feet. As I fished for my cigarettes in my hip length bag, I heard his melodic voice.

"No Tanya, let me go. For fuck's sake woman, I am not interested."

…_the fuck?_

The dizzy feeling in my head intensified tenfold. He didn't want her? What's it then that he looked so happy on that fucking day?

_What is it to you Swan?_

My stomach dropped while a heat spread down my spine. Vazovagal. Fuck me. I moved to the nearest wall, willing my head to stay strong. In the midst of the spell I felt my cigarette fall from my hand down the sloping floor that led me back to him. The earth tilted with the oddest angle such that my face was smashing, nose first, into the marble steps in front of the science building when I felt a hand grab mine and lead me to the stairs, landing me now on my back.

"Are you alright?"

_Fuck me._

"Bella?"

_Fuck me sideways_

It was him.

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	4. happy

**Chapter dedicated to A.E. Cullen: Happy Birthday.**

**Author's note at the end of the chapter.**

I heard several voices, all of them blending together, the tunes of the only man I've ever loved spacing them apart. If some non-tangible tunes could change their stated state, cashmere could have depicted them; soft yet rough, entirely warming and comforting.

"Please everyone, let her breathe."

"Isn't that the Goth?"

"Why did she faint?"

"Mind your fucking business." …..Edward again.

"Ana"

"Fuck off."…Cashmere.

"Bella baby?"…See? I told you.

Wait a second….Holy Mary, did he just call me baby?

_Sweet isn't it? Now get up and go to the gym._

You know what? I don't think so.

"Are you alright?"

"Brilliant…I feel fucking brilliant," I rasped.

Alice's voice caught me by surprise; she was hovering over me judging by the direction I presumed the sound to be coming from.

"Bella Swan. You didn't faint again did you?"

_Hallelujah. What's wrong with fainting?_

I remembered the day which, after one heated hour of intense basketball, I made a quick trip to land ala unconscious and came to Alice's angry words to eat some freaking sugar-her words, not mine.

_Jesus, can't she swear properly?_

"Yes Ali, I did."

I finally opened my eyes and thanked fuck that Edward dragged me to the shade, the sun must have blinded me.

Edward's and Alice's face were the only familiar faces within the sea of others.

"Is she okay?"

"I am fine..thank you."

"She's okay everyone, now do you all mind giving her some space?"

I watched, astonished, as the crowds dispersed at his words; not a snide remark, not an angry retort, leaving the three of us alone.

I shivered from the cold that I felt suddenly.

_Good. Coldness is a sign of malnutrition. You rock._

"Are you cold? In this heat?" Edward asked but before I could answer he turned to Alice and asked her "Alice, is it?"

I opened my bag that was still slung across my body and fished for my motorcycle leather jacket. Fuck everyone, I am freezing.

"Yes," she said. "And you are?"

"Edward Cullen, could you tell me what do you mean by Bella fainting again? Is she always that cold?"

"You have no idea. She always wears heavy clothes and the other day…."

"Alice," I started, looking at her square in the eye. "That's enough."

"Bella, you really.."

"Alice, _please_."

She eyed me debatingly; saw the supplication in my eyes. Then she grinned, her lips twisting in an impish, devilish manner.

"Nice meeting you Edward. Take care of her."

I glared.

"Bye Bella."

Fuck you Alice.

Meanwhile, Edward has moved three steps down the science building in an attempt, I am sure, to give us some privacy. I stepped down and sat next to him. Our silence was

cut suddenly when the clock dinged thrice, signalling the end of the assembly hour.

"Nice tattoo."

I looked down at my left arm where my sleeve zipper was open. My tattoo was on full display, the intricate black details contrasting with my pale colour.

"May I?" His fingers hovered over my biceps, waiting for my permission.

"Okay, why not."

His index descended to trace the tattoo, and my heart stopped for a second.

Now, I am smart, one might call me intelligent. A high IQ and all guaranteed me top grades in my prior existence as a wallflower in high school: tame, quiet and nerdy. Hence, advanced biology and physics were not incomprehensible to me, in fact, I excelled in them.

I knew that electricity was present in the human body, but it certainly was not transmitted by touch?

How could I explain then, the shot of electricity that passed through my whole body when he touched me, swirling through me and causing a reaction from some..parts..that were scarcely affected before?

Never have I felt my body to react so, my lacy underwear to dampen, my nipples to tighten in anticipation, my throat yearn to make the moan building in my throat escape. I threw my neck back and exhaled sharply.

_You know Swan, only you could turn a scientific lecture into smut. How many times do I have to say it? Go. To. The. Gym._

I glanced at Edward to see his eyes focused on my tattoo, his index and middle finger now gliding over my arm.

"A geisha and a skull, blood too? Any symbolism?"

I collected my bearings and my wit and retorted.

"The geisha resembles beauty, the skull resembles danger and the blood…resembles pain."

Story of my life. Beauty in him, pain and danger in me.

"Certainly, a perfect representation of you."

"How much do you know about me Edward?"

"I know enough, and for the record," he pulled up his t-shirt right over his left hipbone and I stared, too in awe to speak "You are not the only one tattooed with the same emotions."

His was exactly what, had I known he had a tattoo, I would think his looked like.

The dagger pierced through the deck of cards, a few drops of blood falling from it. A beautiful lady stood in the vicinity of the blood, wearing all black and her long hair falling behind her. A date was written underneath.

Without my permission, let alone his, my hand reached out to trace the outline, mesmerised by the patterns and detail.

It was his turn to gasp, his eyes rolled back and a groan escaped his throat.

My heart stuttered in realisation..could Edward feel what I am feeling for him? Or was it just lust? A quick fuck, a heart to break?

I pulled my hand off him and he pulled his shirt back.

A memory jumped to my mind.

"What do you mean, a perfect representation of me?"

The spell was broken, his eyes cleared and he closed off again.

"I know what you are Bella"

"I know what you are Bella"

His words rang a bell of danger within me. No way. No. He can't.

_Run..lie..anything_.

"What?"

_There. What is safe. What is non-informative. Fuck you Swan, you could do better._

"I am-by nature-a perceptive man Isabella."

All of a sudden, I didn't hate my full name anymore.

"Seeing you for the past semester, sitting not two meters to my right would be more than enough to know who you are."

He lit a cigarette and offered me one. Marlboro lights, I would never admit how elated I was to know he smoked brand as me. I took one and he lit it for me, inhaled and willed my willpower to stay with me through this. And then I remembered her.

"Wait a second….don't you have a class? Why didn't you go? Won't Denali be angry?"

"To answer your first question, yes I do. The fact that I skipped is a common occurrence of mine, though now is a necessity. You are far more important to me than the history lecture."

I swooned internally.

"And why would Tanya be angry, in the first place?"

What? "Aren't you together?"

"No, never have."

What the fuck?

"Never?"

"Never."

"Don't you like her?"

He seemed angry.

"Didn't you recognise the date tattoo Bella?"

He jerked his shirt up to expose the date again. It was of six months ago.

Six months? I was just starting my first semester, attending my….

Fucking shit.

Holy fucking shit.

It was the day I first saw him.

The day I fell in love with him.

"Do you have any idea how much I was pained, agonised? Seeing you withering away without being able to help?"

"You saw me."

"I'd be damned if I didn't. Who didn't anyway? I walk late in my class to see you there, looking like everything I've ever dreamt of and yet you seemed so aloof. So distant. To see you laughing with Alice. To see you falling sick."

"I am not sick."

"Bullshit!"

"Why? Why didn't you approach me? Fuck, you saw me staring at you everyday and you never glanced at me."

"Me? You were waiting for me?"

"No, the bus was just passing through and I wanted to catch it. Fucking hell Edward, a sign would have been nice."

"I was in pain."

"I beg you pardon?"

"My sister had just died."

Oh damn! Don't I feel like a bitch.

_But you are._

No I am not.

_You are Swan._

Give me a break.

_I don't. I am not your friend. You know that. Now that you have him, you'll throw me away right? No sweetie, I don't think so. No food for a week._

"I am so sorry Edward." I reached to touch his shoulder with my hands.

"Of anorexia."

I snatched my hand back.

"Bella, please don't shut me out. What initiated it?"

Silence.

"Bella please."

"Don't push me Edward, you won't like it."

"I bet I won't. I still want to know."

"Edward.." I warned.

"It doesn't matter anyway; it must be some nonsensical reason anyway. You saw Paris Hilton and liked her frame? Or did you want to impress some guys?"

He was pushing my buttons and I knew it. And like a miracle, I felt my shackles loosen. It was like I was given temporary leave from prison. I wished he could bail me out.

"It was you."

He sat there, eyes wide, jaw clenched and a mixture of terror and anger apparent on his angelic face.

"Didn't you hear me?" I thanked god that the steps were deserted; I had not realised that I had jumped up in my fury, and neither was I in control of my disciple count, and the tears were flowing freely now. "Guys? You think I wanted to impress some guys? I was waiting for you for so long, and when I saw you leaving with her, I couldn't eat anymore. I was sick. It was not a quest for beauty, I did want to lose some pounds, big deal, and I was coming to terms with the fact that I may look good actually. It was rejection, you asshole. I felt unwanted and unwantable. I felt unworthy. I couldn't eat anymore. So fuck you if you are going to blame me."

I fell to the ground in a heap, sobbing.

He held me in his arms, and I didn't have it in me to protest.

He was murmuring in my ears, soothing nonsense that did its job: it soothed me.

He finally spoke.

"What do you mean 'left with her'?"

"I saw you leaving with Denali the day after our midterm. She was in your car."

Realisation dawned in his eyes.

"Oh Bella, I was dropping her off. We are friends, but not more. Not to me."

I cried the last of my tears.

"I don't even come close to apologising for what I've done, or my words. Sorry doesn't even cover it."

"Edward, please don't. I am sorry, I was just pissed. I didn't fucking mean it, I swear…"

And I did not mean it, truthfully. I didn't blame him.

"That doesn't mean that I am not to blame. Nothing you could say will change that."

"Did you mean what you said? About me being what you'd wanted?"

"No, you are not what I _wanted_, you are what I _need_."

"Me?"

"You. Why can't you sense you own worth? You dug yourself a hole of self- depreciation and misery. Tell me Bella, what were you doing in the bathroom earlier?"

"You don't want to know." I am sure he would hate me now.

_Good, then we can focus again_.

No. Fuck you. He is what I want.

_Too late now. And you can't tell him._

Abruptly, I felt like being me again. I felt the want to get it out in the open, to be completely, totally free again. My tears flowed once more before I could stop them and I was confessing.

"I was purging …..the bagel I ..ate..I want to be ..normal….again…please…I am..sorry…so..sorry."

"Shh baby, I am here."

A few minutes later, I was calm and sedated. He is good.

He initiated speech again.

"Dare I hope that this trust in me is due to more than gratitude for me catching you?"

My mind swirled in circles..is he mad? Didn't I just say I made myself sick over him, over his love.

No, I didn't say love but the sentiment was already conveyed wasn't it?

"Weren't you here 10 minutes ago?"

"In fact I was, but you spoke everything in past tense."

Huh..he thought I detested him.

"I told you my feelings, Bella, because I know that only you would understand how such emotions foster for a person you never spoke to before. You are different than the herd of students roaming this place, you are lucid. What I want to say that…I've fallen for you. Deeply and irrevocably, regardless of how you feel. I love you Bella, so much. "

My heart did a somersault and then landed back right in place, mended.

It was time for my feelings to show for once without any repercussions.

"I love you Edward. I love you, and I wish I was enough."

"You are more."

He whispered the last part, and then kissed me.

His head tilted while approaching slowly, and my tongue darted out to moisten my lips in expectancy.

My actions were rewarded by a groan issuing from his throat and his lips were on mine. Never have I ever thought of his taste before, but now…

He tasted of honey, musk and cigarettes. The movement of his lips proceeded from slow and sensuous, parting my lips slowly, to raw and needy. Never hesitant.

My lips were just as active..moving with his, sucking his bottom lip, biting the upper. My tongue darted out of my mouth into his, gliding over his teeth and he moaned.

His tongue forced entrance into my own mouth, and the strength by which he grabbed my hair with his right hand, his left fisting into the flesh exposed into the small of my back, made me aware of the months of longing he underwent.

His right hand moved upwards across my ribs, my blood boiled.

My need for oxygen soon rendered separation imperative.

He didn't stop.

His mouth trailed down my neck, licking, sucking, kissing and biting. His hands pushed the leather jacket and the t-shirt away fro mu shoulders and his mouth travelled lower, his lips pulled out and he bit me, sending a wave of arousal down. He sucked the skin, marking me. I wanted him, now.

"Edward…-moan-come on."

"Bella," He said in my ear "I love you, I don't want you to think that all I want is a fuck."

"Don't be ridiculous…I love you too."

Half a year of repressed sexual tension caught up with us. I curled my hands around his neck and he bit my earlobe. He whispered in my ear.

"Do you want to come over? I live on campus."

"I know that, "I grinned, and he grinned back in response. "I would love to."

He pulled us to our feet and we walked to the dorms, his arms around my waist and mine around his. I ignored the stares of the students, astonished at seeing the "Goth" within close proximity of another human. As if.

For once, the voice was silent. Maybe, just maybe, it will remain silent.

"I love you Edward," I said, meaning it more than I can convey.

He looked down at me and smiled, his eyes sparkling with happiness and fulfilment.

"Bella, I love you too," He kissed me, and murmured against my lips "and I promise you, everything will be fine. We will solve it, together."

He kissed me again.

I believed him.

**There it is. The alternative happy ending. Did you like it? Review please?**

**Some people might say that anorexics will not give up their voluntary starvation for love. I know that, believe me, but let me tell you that Bella thought she will be okay, not that she actually will. She hoped for the best; and let's not forget that her rejection was the initiating factor, now that it is removed, she my or may not get better according to how far in she is. I may write some chapters here and there, but nothing solid. The story is officially over. There is only one outtake coming up soon concerning her death, courtesy of one kind reader's suggestion.**

**I really hope you liked this ending, because I admit I do. **


	5. Together

**Warning: contains sexual content. **

**Bella's point of view.**

I threw the peanut butter jar on the floor, breaking it with a satisfying crash that made the gooey, fatty concoction smear on the tiles of the kitchen and hence preventing me from scooping up every single calorie into my body.

_Serves you good you fat-ass._

"Motherfucker!"

I slid down on the floor hugging my knees to my chest; feeling hunger tearing my insides apart. The day has been shitty enough as it is, no need to ruin it by a bathroom trip. And I really, really missed Edward.

His on-campus rent apartment was now ours, me paying half of the rent, thanks going to my new job as a barista in the university's Starbucks and my inheritance money from my long-deceased gran. Edward won't let me pay for half the food though. "Not that you eat any of it, anyway" he said.

I sighed, memorizing my fight with my parents to be able to call this house mine.

_I was gathering my clothes, shovelling them into my black suitcase that was propped open on my bed._

_"No Bella. I won't allow you!" my mother screamed, yanking on my arm with enough force to bruise, I am sure. Edward would be pissed._

_"Excuse me mum, I am nineteen, I will go where I want. I am moving in with Edward, end of story."_

_"What?"_

_Great, dad joined the party._

_"Where are you going there, you dog"_

_"Moving out dad, I am leaving the house."_

_"Like hell you will!"_

_"Charlie! Do something. She can't leave!"_

_"I _will_ leave mum. I've had enough."_

_Dad started "Bella, now be reasonable. Where are you going to live? Why now?"_

_"Dad, I am sure you heard me say that I am moving in with Edward. I got a job a month ago, for the record—"_

_"What the fuck! You skank, how could you not tell me?"_

_Brilliant. Mum said "fuck" and "skank" in one sentence. With a rising disciple count. Good to know that Mrs. goody-two shoes Swan swears._

_"You never bothered, mum! I am leaving now because I've finally found incentive to get myself out of this hellhole and get a fucking life."_

_Dad's onslaught of words didn't hurt anymore._

_"You will not use this language in my house, do you understand? Now, I gave you everything. I worked my ass off everyday to get you money. You're a spoiled brat who thought the world of herself and went around wearing awful clothes and moped away in your cave of a room. You don't deserve my money."_

_"I never made you happy. You and mum thought that I have to be the perfect little daughter who obeyed and took it all. I am sorry that I won't be that girl anymore."_

_"I won't pay your tuition. I won't give you money. You won't even take the car. You'd never be my daughter again if you walk out of this door."_

_Somehow, I had everything I needed in my bag by this point. I zipped it shut and hauled it off the bed. I looked at both of them, no emotion in my face. My poker face was tried and tested. Lady Gaga would be so proud._

_"Good then, because I don't want to be. And next time keep your ass on, and keep mum company."_

_Mum made a last-ditch attempt. Tears were streaking down her face, her perma-flush now more pronounced. I promised myself that I'll keep in touch with her even if it killed me._

_"Please Bella, don't do this."_

_My heart felt like it was being wrenched out of my chest. All the swearing, bitching and controlling aside, mum loved me. I think. But Edward showed me what love is. You don't hurt people you love to feel better about yourself._

_"I am sorry. I'll call you mum."_

_I guess my message was clear. Just mother. I no longer had a father._

_Cell phone in my pocket, I left the grand mansion without a backward glance._

_The cab I hailed drove in a fucking breakneck speed; I think Karma didn't me that much then. Even the upper forces, deities or whatever the fuck they are channelled some batshit crazy driving skills that got the 30 minute drive done in 15._

_I found Edward sitting on the entrance step to the building surrounded by cigarette butts. He was waiting for me. I had refused him his request to come with me. I needed to face the asshattery alone._

_I stood there after the driver unloaded my bag and left._

_Edward approached me, taking in my blank stare, my hunched shoulders. But no tears. They don't deserve tears._

_He held the back of my neck in his hands and leaned down, pressing his soft lips to mine._

_After a moment he pulled away, still leaning down and said quietly_

_"Welcome home."_

I thought about what he did for me. He paid my tuition now, under the condition that I'll pay him back one day. Apparently his family has a shitload of money. I offered to pay from my inheritance, but he declined saying that I might need it. He was so good to me.

The Aston Martin was now ours till I bought a new car. At least I salvaged my cell, iPod and laptop from the shithole. I refused to call it home, this is my home now.

On that note, I needed to clean this fucking mess up. Edward was due here any moment after his advanced bio class was over. My lovely boyfriend was majoring in pre-med biology. The pierced, tattooed smoker was going to be a doctor, with his gothic, also tattooed girlfriend was by his side. Take that, fucking stereotypes.

I carefully mopped the mess away, needing no more cuts from the shards of glass to give Edward an aneurysm. He trusted that I stopped cutting, and was working on increasing my calories a bit now. He thought that I might try to work towards recovery bit by bit.

_A snowball's chance in hell._

I heard the door slam shut and the thunk of his messenger bag hit the floor, and I threw the dirty mop away.

Edward's steps reached the kitchen, and the moment he entered I threw myself at him, hooking my legs around his waist and grabbed onto his neck before latching my lips to his and kissing the fuck out of him, parting his lips with my tongue and tasting him. I moaned.

Edward inclined his head to the right and deepened the kiss, sucking on my tongue then releasing it to bite my lower lip. I digged this shit.

"Edward….mmmm" My futile attempts to ask about his day flew out of my head as he pushed me onto the kitchen table, kissing me all the time.

He finally released my lips.

"Bella."

"Welcome home baby."

He smirked his lopsided smirk that made my lower parts scream for attention, and said

"Bella, have I told how fucking wonderful you smelled?"  
I rolled my eyes because, come on, I wore my lovely Victoria's secret lilac body splash everyday.

"Edward, I smell the same as this morning."

"Oh no," his smile smirk became a full-blown arrogant smile. I love him arrogant and self assured. "I meant your other smell, baby."

I so humiliatingly moaned, and may have squeaked, as he pulled my tights down my legs, revealing the black lace thong that he loved. He groaned. The sound combined with our closely held bodies, and the fact that my period was due in a couple of days and my nipples were always swollen and tender no matter the birth control brand, and the fact that they were now pressed against his chest, made another wave of wetness seep down my legs.

"You're so wet baby."

He removed the underwear completely, and surpassed the aching parts.

"Don't tease me, Edward. I really want you."

He chuckled, "I can tell. But wait baby, I want to see you. All of you."

His hands held on to the scooped and slightly torn neck of my wife beater and pulled, ripping the fabric apart.

"That's better."

His lips came down to my neck, his tongue tracing my collarbones and taking a long lick up my neck to the crevice underneath my ear where his teeth pulled at my lobe.

He whispered in my ear. "I can smell you Bella, but you will have to wait for my cock a bit longer baby, I want to take my time with you." And he sucked my ear into his mouth.

The ache down there was turning to a full blown fire, and I had moaned and writhed till now more than a porn star ever did.

"Baby please, please…."

"Tell me Bella, tell me what you want, or you won't get it."

"Edward….eeeehhhh…fuck me, please. Now."

"A little longer baby."

His mouth placed wet kissed down to my right breast, and he lifted his hand to take the left nipple in his hand and squeezed it, earning him a shrill scream from my mouth.

He chuckled again, and placed his talented tongue flat on my right nipple, looping the tip through my piercing and tugging, his other hand pinching the other nipple with expertise.

I turned into a pile of goo right then.

After a few minutes where he kissed, fondled and bit my nipples till I was sure I would combust, he trailed his kisses down my ribs, making me squirm as he dipped his tongue and repeated the piercing tug in my bellybutton, but he pressed the back of his tongue piercing into my skin and I tugged his hair out of its roots, screaming his name and begging for him to just do anything.

He finally, finally, reached were I was being scorched and took a long lick, eliciting a strangled moan from me and a groan from him.

"Fuck. You're so wet baby. Who makes you so wet Bella?"

"Edward…please…"

"Answer me."

I loved this dominant side of him_, especially _during sex.

"Only you baby, only you Edward. Please.."

His mouth descended to my sopping sex, his top lip flicking my clit as his tongue thrust into my slit, barely reaching past my lips.

I was sure I was going to die of unrelease, and I kept a constant stream of gibberish that contained a lot of "please" and "fuck".

Three of his fingers slammed into me, moving in and out with speed and roughness and his lips stopped their sweet torture for a second to speak.

"Come Bella. Now"

He thrust his fingers twice hitting my g-spot, and my orgasm rocked through me so hard that I felt every single toe curl and uncurl as waves of pleasure assaulted me.

I finally closed my mouth as the stream of curses was too fucking hard to utter, and Edward slowly withdrew his fingers and looked up at me, horribly resembling the cat that ate the canary.

My clit throbbed again.

With renewed lust, I yanked his hair up and I kissed him with abandon, undoing his jeans while his hands squeezed and pulled at my nipples.

"Please Edward, fuck me. Now. I can't…"  
He threw his t-shirt off his chest, showing me his pecs, abs and the fucking incarnation of Adonis that god has gifted me with, particularly the v to his trail. He grabbed my hips and slammed into me hard, my cry muffled by his tongue being shoved into my mouth and his teeth biting down on my own.

Sex with Edward was versatile. One time we stay up all night making soft and sweet love, and another going at it like animals.

Although I hated bestiality, I fucking loved Edward fucking me like an animal.

He grunted and groaned, his thrusts fast and desperate and fucking perfect inside me, making my walls scream in protest. I screamed in tandem.

He slipped out of me, flipped me over and slammed into me from behind. I moaned as he grabbed my breasts around my torso and worked his magic on my responsive body. His breath came harsh and hot against my ear as his chest pushed mine down.

"Bella….Can't last…come."

And he fucking bit down on the junction between my shoulder and neck, sucking on the tender flesh then sinking his teeth again.

The position we were in made him hit my spot again, clenching my walls around him and I writhed as he stilled and came inside me.

He pulled out and I slid down the table onto the ground. He lied next to me and cradled me into his arms.

"Edward..that was…"

"Explosive?"

I laughed. "Literally."

He grinned, and leaned to kiss me tenderly.

I asked him "How was your day?"

He grinned wider "I couldn't take a single note in class. I kept imaging how I'd fuck you once I came home."

I laughed, my body tingling with excitement.

"Mmhhmm?"

"Did you eat dinner?"

I kissed him feverishly in an attempt to distract him. It worked as he carried me out of the kitchen to the bedroom.

Fuck dinner.

_That's right. Who needs food?_

**So? Good lemon? Bad lemon? Review please and tell me.**


	6. gone

I heard several voices, all mingled together with Edward's velvet tunes intermissioning in-between them.

"..fainted…..science….don't know"

"..drama…but she...pale….ribs….bones"

I was lost in the gray nothingness that has engulfed me fuck knows how long ago. I was just sitting there, drowning into nothing, seeing nothing when the voices flared out suddenly again.

"Were you with her? Did she eat something?"

"No, I don't think she did."

Neither do I, sweetheart.

"Her eyelids fluttered, she's awake."…I heard his voice resonate over the shrill voice of a woman.

Wait…a woman? Where am I?

I opened my eyes to be greeted by the inverted faces of Edward and, bless him, the nurse. The blinding lights and the bleach white walls of the clinic made me shut them again tightly, willing the thumping in my head to disappear.

"Bella?"

"I am awake now," I countered, thinking of what brought me here..

_Holy motherfucking shit…shit_

He must have carried me across campus to the clinic that was in front of the gym. God.

I sat up slowly, opening my eyes and looking at the nurse, ignoring him so that I could spare myself the humiliation I would feel when I saw the expression he must have while looking at the pile of cellulite that he had carried. a.k.a. me.

"Vazovagel..I had it before," she nodded in understanding and fired me with questions that made me queasy. Going on and on abut how thin I am, how I must eat and when she mentioned anorexia and counselling…I laughed out loud.

"Look I really appreciate that but I have to go now, I…I have a class," I lied quickly, hoping that she won't log in to my account and call my bluff.

Unconvinced, she responded "You must be grateful that that young man was in the vicinity, he brought you here,"

I glanced over my shoulder to see him frowning, the straight alabaster eyebrow of his shadowing the emerald of his eyes.

"Yes," I said, "Of course I am."

I hopped of the white bed and thanked her, headed over to the door and stood beside him, letting him lead the way.

He walked out and waited for me so that he was crossing my path, deterring me from moving forward. I stood and waited for him to talk but he just looked into my eyes, frown still in place.

My eyes glanced over his body. His dark blue wash jeans sat low on his hips, his black shirt unbuttoned till the third button and the sleeves rolled back towards his elbows, his converse frayed and old and his Ray Bans in place within the tousles of his bronze hair, a lock of which was long enough to tickle the hard edge of his jaw if held down, a jaw-fuck me-that was covered with a day worth of stubble.

I have never seen anything more beautiful.

"How do you know my name?" I asked, feeling insignificant in my outfit that made me look like a pauper.

"I just do, you know, you're not the only perceptive one," he said smoothly, "have a seat please."

_Bella, the gym. _

Fuck you, he is more important.

I sat down in the bench behind us, feeling the heat of his body next to me.

"I know what you are, Bella. I also happen to know that it started recently. I saw you the first day of our class..and I see you now. The change is…..painful."

I smiled, he saw me? He fucking saw me?

"Why do you care what I am?"

"You see, my sister died of anorexia..and I don't want you to face what she did."

"That's bullshit, I am not.."

His raised eyebrows stopped me.

"And I know why you fainted too,"

"You look here, Edward, I don't know how you gathered that but unless you want something else, I really should go to the gym."

"You aren't going to any gym like that, you've just fainted for fuck's sake!"

"Fuck you Cullen!" I said coldly. "You have no say on me, I will go wherever I want."

His responsive smile was just as frigid. "You wish Bella. Even if you were attractive to me, which you _were_, I will not put myself within the confines of the life of an anorexic again. I don't know what you were thinking, but I saw how you looked at me every single fucking time I walked into our class. I am not stupid, I can recognise lust when I see it, and it was fucking present when I accidentally hit you in class-sorry for that, by the way-; but your chances are now shot to hell. I want a girl who would sit with me and eat a goddamn pizza not fret over how many calories a broccoli has…and most certainly not a girl who purges a fucking bagel," he sneered.

How in the _holy fuck_ that he knows about that?

"Now I am stalked by you, lovely," My attempt at sarcasm was blown by the dizzy feeling that swept again down my stomach.

"No, I am not a prowler Bella. I am just, as I already said, perceptive. You bought the bagel, drank a gallon of water with it and sprinted like a bat out of hell to the bathroom. You were not playing cards in there were you? And then you walked out ten minutes later looking like some one has sucked the blood out of you and you lost consciousness."

"Then that's why you dropped Denali's offer over there? To come and taunt me?"

"No, not really. Tanya's blowjobs hold no interest to me either way. I came after you because I wanted to tell you that you still had a chance in recovery," I snorted, but he completed, unwavered."and in case something like what happened did. And you're welcome by the way; you really were light to carry." He smirked like the fuck he is.

I couldn't help it, I love him, and he said that I had no chance. My heart sank down lower, the gash opened wide up and the hurt spilled over.

_Last chance Swan, gym._

No

_Okay, ask him why he bothered to rescue you._

"Why come after me? I mean, a lot of students could have done the same. Are you sure you don't care?" I cringed at his expression. The fury was evident, he hated me. He wanted to rip my head off. His eyes blazed but his voice was still muted, cold like the North Pole.

"Did you not hear me? I liked you then, I may still like you but there is no way in fuck, _Swan_, that I will ever fight for you. I was spent with grief over my sister and she left me, left my whole family. I will never go through this again even if I loved you, which I don't."

The blaze of his eyes confirmed his words, I was shaking, my nightmare was coming true.

"And to answer your first question, I followed you because no one would dare approach the smoking, anorexic, depressed Goth that you've become."

I was backing away now towards the bathroom, the tears leaking down my cheeks. His expression twisted into pity…that sealed the deal. I need no pity. No love. Nothing. I don't deserve one. I decided right there to end it, to spare him.

"Thank you Edward, for everything."

"Bella wait.."

"No. Goodbye Edward."

I ran like I've never run before, locking myself into a cubicle. I pulled out the box of Panadol and the dagger I always carried with me now. I swallowed the pills in a hurry, demolishing the box. I heard my name being called..

"Bella, fuck, I am going in."

I love you Edward, I really do.

_Do it baby, end it. You're not worth it._

I remembered his words as I dragged the dagger down my skin, finally doing this to end this shit that was my life rather than to cut tiny scratches that my mother won't see.

_"…even if I loved you, which I don't"_

_I don't_

_I don't_

_I don't_

I heard the door of the bathroom slam open, the onomatopoeic bang echoing across the tiles on the walls. I pressed into the vein that ran from my left wrist to the inner crease of my elbow, pressing down with abandon that I cried out loud in agony, something that I usually don't ever do.

"Bella, no"

He threw the dagger away across the bathroom, carried me and ran back to the clinic; cradling my to his chest with my body pressed against his. I felt the blackness press down heavier than it ever did. I knew it was the end, that if I closed my eyes, they will never open again. I also felt the wetness on my face. I looked up heavily to see his tears barrelling down. I had to let him off the hook; he didn't have to berate himself.

"Edward.."

"Don't speak please…just stay here with me," his voice for the first time ever was laced with panic and desperation.

"Listen, ple..ase….Edward"

My voice was cracking with pain when I heard another familiar voice scream my name.

The blackness was winning over, I had to tell him.

"Bella, my God"..Alice. I'll miss her.

"Edwa…rd.." I tried.

"Bella please, we are almost there"

"I love….. you …..Edward..please don't …..blame.. your…self"

"What the fuck happened?" Alice sounded breathless as she ran beside us to the clinic.

I was dozing off…the black haze pressed over my lungs as I saw the white door of the clinic with a paper stuck to the front, the words of which I couldn't make out.

"Fuck..it is closed..oh my god," Alice sobbed while clutching my chest.

"Ali…ce.."

"Bella baby, stay.."

"I…. am ….sorry, I'll….mi…ss..you…so.."

The blackness crept up to my neck, my face and blinded my vision. I pushed it away, grabbed Edward's silky hair and pulled his face up from my neck where his tears were soaking my t-shirt as my blood was drenching his.

I was unaware of us sinking to the ground until I looked to see that my face was next to the doorstep.

He looked up and I stared into his eyes, seeing the determination in them.

He leaned down and pressed his lips to mine, a farwell of sorts. He seemed to want to give me some sort of parting gift, or maybe it is the pity.

"I am so sorry Bella" was what he murmured against my lips after he gave me the best-and only-kiss of my life. I was in heaven, no, I don't want heaven..I want him. I was again encased by the fog.

Last attempt.

"Ed..ward…Love you…So much..Forgive..me….Love..yo..Edw..rd,"

"No Bella,…"

"Good…bye.."

"No…."

And the blackness engulfed me.

**That's it everyone. Thank you all who reviewed and favourited...I may or may not write a sequel so leave me a review telling me your opinion ok?**


	7. funeral

**Chapter inspired by Angeleena. **

_**Edward's point of view; after Bella died**_**.**

She died.

The highlight of my life, the bane of my existence.

Bella.

She died in my arms.

I saw her eyelids flutter closed after I kissed her.

She tasted so sweet, like the sweetest wine.

I am leaning on the bench, clutching her body closer to mine. The lilt of her voice still echoed in my ears, her words repeating like a broken record.

_"Ed..ward…Love you…So much..Forgive..me….Love..yo..Edw..rd,"_

I can't shake the guilt manifesting inside me. I broke her, I killed her.

As much as she tried to ease my culpability, I know I was…harsh doesn't even cover it. My words were cutting, sharp with the conviction that my austerity will snap her out of her superfluous starvation. But I was erroneous, stupid. I killed her.

My tears were flowing freely now, my body spasming with my grief. It was more intense than when Rosalie died. It was fiercer than when I broke my rib, although I wished to die then. It was way more brutal than anything I've ever experienced.

I felt two small hands wrap around my torso, tears soaking through my black shirt.

Black. Bella mostly wore black.

I knew I have to try and stop thinking about her, I knew I had to protect myself.

I can't. I won't.

She was the only reason I was alive. I had no one to live for anymore. My parents ran away, each with their own partner.

My sister died of anorexia, much like my beloved. And if the luxury of thinking of her was taken away from me; I'd rather rot in Hell than face the world as is.

I loved her, and I always will.

_I remember one time I was sitting in class, as usual overhearing Alice and Bella speak. Bella had lost more weight. She had worn the same black Ed Hardy t-shirt before, now it looked like it was looser. Her small waistline lost more inches, her curvaceous figure seeming more..boyish? I recall the first time I saw her; I was entranced by her beauty, the feminine curve of her back, her perky ass, womanly hips. Now she seemed sick._

_Don't get me wrong, she was not perfect. Her skin was not perfectly clear; she had your usual teenage acne. Underneath them, however, was a fair skin, the colour of porcelain. Her hair was curly, yet shiny and a rich chestnut brown. Her hips flared a bit out of proportion. She didn't have the perfect body, who did after all? Yet she looked so healthy, so radiant. She didn't seem more than a size 8 or 10. In my opinion, that's a perfect mix between slender and curvy. She was everything I've ever wanted. _

_Now she looked waifish, like Kate Moss in that CK underwear ad. Like Rosalie._

_Rosalie._

_No. _

_She can't.  
_

_She…_

_"And yet she hangs there, in an absolute moratorium, a cessation. The wind could bid her movement, silent, beautiful. A leaf in the wind's way. Light, thin. Like a gossamer hanging on the altar's arch, torn by a mere tug. Wish I that was I." Alice's shrill voice sounded so high as usual. What was she hooked on, narcotics?_

_"Give that back Alice. Now."_

_I glanced over to her sound. Seeing the dilation of her pupils, the hunch of her torso, ready for a fight. I saw her shake her hand twice, and saw the tattoos embedded on her skin. I couldn't decipher what they were from here, yet they looked sinister. I could swear that was a skull._

_She seemed like the incarnation of my own version of salvation. Love. Desire. Destiny. Life. Meaning._

Grow a pair Cullen; don't let Jasper see the soppy look on your face.

_Oh he isn't. He is too busy ogling Alice. _

_Ever since Jasper first saw Alice in the Social Responsibility Club, he –his words- fell in love. _

_As if._

_Bella snatched the copybook out of Alice's hand and tucked it in her bag, as if hiding a secret. It all clicked._

_Bella's resemblance to Rosalie was frightening. My epiphany that I had figured a minute ago seemed suddenly to make sense, too much sense. Bella was an anorexic._

_Rosalie had the same reaction when I read a similar quote to the one Bella possesses. "It's something I've written for a long time Ali, no need to fret."_

_Bingo._

_Why do you care Cullen? What, do you love her?_

_Love her? Of course I do._

_If love could occur after no encounters between two people, then yes, I do._

_Love at first sight. _

"Edward?" Alice's tentative voice broke my haze.

"What?" I rasped, my voice hoarse.

I felt her fists clench over the black material of my shirt. Oh, she was the one clutching it.

"The nurse is back."

My rage boiled over.

_**

* * *

**_

_**Alice's point of view.**_

Edward and I now sat in the university's form of a lobby, waiting for Bella's parents, Charlie and Renee, to come and pick their daughter's dead body up.

Another sob shook my frame, and Edward clutched me closer. His own sobs were as strong as they started out to be, and who can blame him.

Bella is gone.

Funny how you could feel so much for someone you've only met for less than a year. Love works in complex ways I suppose.

Yes, I love Bella. No, I am not a lesbian.

Bella for me was a sister; one that had something wrong going on with her for a while now.

She dwindled, losing more weight by the second. Less food, more cigarettes, extremely more exercise.

I told her before she had some anorexic aspects. She laughed it off.

Edward must have figured it out before I did.

I knew she loved him. It was apparent like the sun from the look on her face every time he entered the Maths 112 class. She was hooked; and like the self depreciating girl she is, I was always sure that she did not notice him staring at her. She was strange like that.

Some closure was due, for both Edward and I.

I started.

"You love her."

He stared at me, a frown on his face. His eyes were agonised, tear stains running down his cheeks.

"Yes."

"What happened to her?"

His face twisted, eyes burning. His expression made me feel like I was infantile, like a poser in grief.

His reply, alternative to his expression, was so curt.

"She sliced her arm open."

I flinched, remembering the sight of her arm, shirt soaked in blood, as was Edward's shirt when he kissed her.

This kiss…felt so intimate. So private. I simply had to look away when they kissed. It was the kiss of death.

In another situation I would have laughed at the irony. Now, not so much.

I snorted instead at his answer.

"Yeah, I kind of saw that. What I meant was, why?"

Now he winced.

"I…That's none of you're business."

I opened my mouth to snap back, but he made it unnecessary.

"I'm sorry Alice, I shouldn't take it out on you, you were close to her after all."

"No worries. I already know how important she was to you."

"I wonder how that is." I couldn't decide whether this was a case of heavy sarcasm or was he truly curious.

I went with the second.

"Both of you couldn't look away from each other for a very long time Edward. She was not herself after the semester ended; didn't you notice how she seemed to disappear into thin air everyday?"

"That, Alice, is the main reason she isn't here now."

"You confronted her, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"And?"

Just when he was about to answer, we heard the voices of two people echoing loudly, arguing.

"..Not my fault Charlie, she did it. I hate her. She always causes trouble." The sound was bordering on derision by the sound of it. I knew it was Renee, Bella's mother.

"Tone it down a notch Renee." Here comes Charlie.

Edward spoke. "Are those..?"

I grimaced. "Yes."

They rounded the corner, and there they were.

Renee didn't look much like Bella; her pallor was there, only more pronounced on her daughter. In opposition to Bella's white complexion, Renee was almost flushed, and not because of the anger. She was curvy, almost like Bella before she's become a food-phobic.

Sorry. An anorexic.

Her hair was strawberry blonde, waving attractively around her face and shoulders. Her make up was perfectly done, her ensemble immaculately ironed. Was this the image of a woman who has just lost her daughter and came to retrieve the corpse?

Charlie was no better. He wore a crisp suit, the remains of his hair brushed back. With a jolt, I realised that it was the same colour and texture of Bella's curls. His pointed chin, almond-yet-a-bit-rounder shaped eyes, eyebrows and mouth just like my deceased friend's. He wore an expression of grief, yet the grief was tainted by disappointment, like she failed him by dying in public.

Honestly, I appreciate the fact that they are a well-respected businessman and an important doctor. But shouldn't they look more morose? You know, dead daughter and all?

My face twisted in revulsion of these quasi-parents and pity for my dead friend.

I glanced at Edward to see that he shared my sentiments, given by the look on his face.

"Poor her." He murmured.

"Renee?"

"Of course not! I am talking about…B..Bella." his voice broke.

So I was right. Twice. He didn't like them, and he couldn't say her name.

I marched forward. Literally marched to these so-called parents and started.

"Are you Mr. and Mrs. Swan?"

Renee spoke.

"You must be Alice, her friend."

I was angered by the way she said "her", as if she didn't have a name.

"I am Alice, yes, _Bella's_ friend."

She had the audacity to not even colour, the bitch.

"How did it happen?" Charlie asked.

It? Okay, if they want it all bitchy, who am I to refuse?

"Bella committed suicide." Edward answered. I wasn't aware of him standing next to me.

"You."

Renee pointed at him accusingly.

"She painted you; she has the picture in her room."

Edward gaped while Charlie scowled.

"It makes sense, I guess." I spoke. "She loved him."

"My daughter did no such thing."

We all ignored Charlie.

"I loved her too." Oh Edward, poor thing.

Renee seemed ready to snap.

"She was a bitch, this moron. How dare she die on me? She was nothing, I am her mother. Useless dissapointing thing. She.."

"Mrs. Swan, please. Stop insulting her."

"How dare you.."

I cut in. "Did you know your daughter was anorexic?"

They stood in silence.

Charlie talked first. "What?" His voice was barely audible.

"She was, and when she was faced up to it, she was scared and ran off to the only place she knew no one would hurt her. She told me once that the way you showed her your attention made her feel pressured, and that she had no ultimate say in her life, that you had a hand over every aspect. She always felt inadequate, like she couldn't give you enough in opposition to what you give her: tuition, car, place to live just to name a few. I guess now that this pressure drove her to places that were not so good for her. So I doubt she was a _useless dissapointing thing_. I distinctly remember too that she told me that she didn't want to study Business, that she faced hell when she got her tattoo, that she was fought with when she refused to work with you when she was thirteen, and that she found no love in a house where the first instincts were to shout, hit and threaten. And still she worked her ass off to get you a high GPA, respectable image and a good reputation. I presume now _you _should reconsider the moron here."

Renee was about to retort when Charlie cut her.

"You sure know a lot about Bella."

I nodded, still defensive.

"Did you..confront her?"

Edward was about to speak when I stepped on his foot.

"Yes."

Renee shrieked. "You killed her, not I. You see Charlie? This…."

"Shut up, Renee." He warned, looking around him at the receptionists.

She glowered, but remained silent.

He whispered. "Where is she?"

I pointed him to the building, and he towed Renee with him, walking out without as much as a second glance.

"Alice?"

"Yes Edward?"

"Why did you do that?"

I understood what he meant.

"I don't want Bella to hate her parents because they insulted you, Edward."

He looked at me, saying in a soft voice.

"She isn't here anymore Alice, her soul is gone."

"You are mistaken. She will always be here, in our hearts."

He smiled wistfully, a distorted expression, but then said something that made me tear up.

"And I am sure that she would hate them if they hurt you at all Alice, she loves you."

I noticed the present tense he used, and I smiled at him.

He hugged me, and we shared a moment when we both mourned the loss of the same person; my precious friend, and his soul mate.

_**

* * *

**_

_**One week later; Edward's point of view. **_

Tap. .

The church's microphone drummed. Someone trying it, I presume.

I was at Bella's …. funeral.

It was easier now to say her name, yet the words were like salt poured over bleeding wounds. Torturing. Agonising. Killing.

It seemed caustic, both literally and figuratively, that mere words could make you double over in pain, especially words that have been uttered before, over your own sister. A sister that you grieved over, yet didn't feel your heart rip apart for.

That was that. Bygones were bygones. Both girls died; the only two that mattered in my whole existence on the face of this earth. Gone.

I wondered if I believe in Karma. Maybe my resentment of Rosalie for leaving me ignited some karmic revenge system, taking my words and throwing them back in my face. Back in Rosalie's funeral, I had said that anorexics did not deserve life. And here I am, begging for some sort of phenomenon to revive the angel resting in the open casket that Alice and I were heading towards.

Bella left us, yet she did throw some sort of bond over both of our beings. We became the closest of friends; she somehow sucked Jasper in with us, becoming a one tight group. I didn't see, or want to for that matter, my old friends anymore. Or maybe acquaintances were the right word. Funny how everything changed since last week. Since she was gone.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself and gripped Alice's hand harder, for the casket was right in front of us. For a viewer, we sure looked like a couple. We knew better.

I looked, and started.

Bella's body was very fragile-looking, her translucent skin even more so. She looked like..a corpse. Never have I imagined, when I dreamed of seeing her again every night of last week, that I won't see what I remembered.

She was there, tattoo obvious through the flimsy material of white. This must be some consolation. It proved that it was Bella. It proved that she was the girl I got my tattoo for. The day I first saw her.

I felt Alice's body shake beside me, and I took her under my arm. She loved Bella.

We withdrew, trying to numb the pain. I was dying inside, and I deserved every bit of it.

"Edward."

Charlie called for me, sitting on a bench in the front, right in front of the casket.

"Mr. Swan."

He looked like a man whose life has been sucked out of him. Alice told me that Bella said that her father loved her, yet his love was either limited to the tough section in the fucking parenting book, or to being overly affectionate. Weird he would look so sad.

"I…."

"Edward."

Renee, the crazy mother cut in. She seemed to be over the self-praising denial of her involvement in Bella's suicide and fucking finally realised that her daughter is gone.

"Yes, Mrs Swan."

"I wanted to give you these," she handed me a black notebook, with the word "Bella" written in cursive bold letters in crimson across the front, and the painting Bella made of me. "they were hers, and you might like to have them."

"I can't.."

"I've got copies."

"Mrs…."

"It's Renee, and I want no complaints. I know I behaved selfishly for the past ten years of Be..her life, but I am atoning right now," a sob shaked her, and Charlie held her tighter, looking miserable "and I like to think that my preventing and curbing of her was for her safety only. It indeed was for her safety, but also for mine. I wanted her to be protected, and I wanted myself to be in control. It seems ludicrous now, that after everything I've done, she still left us."

"What does the diary have to do with anything, Renee?"

"She loved you Edward-" Charlie nudged her and coughed, but she disregarded him. "-she did, and this diary showed me how she was not what I thought she was. I thought she was going through a rebellious teenage drama, but my daughter was much more mature than that. I feel like I don't know her. She was suffering for and because of us. If I give you this now, she might just forgive me, "she held Charlie's hand "forgive us."

"Thank you. Both of you."

I was truly thankful. I got a part of her to keep with me.

* * *

The casket was being lowered into the ground now, nailed shut.

I felt like my soul was buried down with it.

The realisation that I will never see her face again, never hear her talking to Alice, laughing or smiling at her, never hear her telling me that she loved me again caught up with me.

With a wild gasp, I clutched my heart over the black suit. Bella was never going to be mine. I was never going to kiss her, see her, hold her, talk to her. Every dream I've ever had, disappeared. Every moment I've imagined spending with her, gone.

Vanished.

The church men threw the dirt back over the casket, and over my dying heart.

The sense of loss stopped my senses, I could no longer see or hear, smell, feel or taste anything except for her.

He threw the final shovel-full of dirt and walked away. By the end of the summer, I was sure that the moss would grow over it, along with the flowers.

Encasing her in nature's beauty.

Everyone was retreating now, leaving me to say my goodbye.

I moved forward, my knees shaking and I fell forward, landing on them.

I cried over her grave for hours, talking to her and asking for forgiveness, murmuring my love and apologising. And crying, always crying.

The sun was going down, and I looked up from the ground for the first time since I sat down and looked at her tombstone. The epitaph said,

"Dusk has always been the best time of my day, miracles will always happen then."

Under it were the words "Isabella Marie Swan. 1992-2010. Loved daughter, appreciated friend, treasured lover."

I sobbed loudly, the tears catching in my chest.

It was dusk already, but I never got my miracle. For my miracle was buried underneath my hands.

I briefly considered digging up her grave, like Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights, but thought better of it.

If she has found Heaven, I wouldn't want to disturb her.

"I wish you are in Heaven, baby.

"I will love you forever."

Right then, the breeze blew cold on my face, moving through my hair like her fingers did the only time she kissed me. I wondered if this was what she meant by my miracle.

I closed my eyes.

"Edward…."

Her voice sounded in my ears, whispering.

Yes?

"My heaven is where you are."

I was astounded, can she come to life? I was always a realist, but now I wished fairytales were real.

"No Edward, I can't come to life. Can you come to me?"

Always my angel, always.

"Come to me, baby. I love you."

Oh Bella.

"I will wait for you, Edward. When you are ready, I will be waiting."

I lied next to her grave, extracting my knife from where I had it always secured around my calf. She won't have to wait for long.

It seemed somehow providential, that we both die with a knife.

"I love you Bella."

I closed my eyes, retracting the cut my love did to leave me, wishing that death could come quickly for me to join my beloved.

Bella.

**Yes, he died too. For some reason, Edward and Bella give me the same distinct impression of suicidal love as Romeo and Juliet.**

**Let's leave it at that.**

**Review please?**


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